Mara Faith
Mara means "sad" or "bitter" in Hebrew.
Faith because our faith has been tested through this in yet we need faith to trust God still has a plan for us that hopefully involves another baby.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Dec. 6- Post Op with doctor
We just found out today that my baby did not have anything wrong with her and that they do not know why she died. I also found out it was a girl. I am feeling very conflicted about this news. I am frustrated that God would allow my perfectly healthy baby to die. I am sad, confused, and conflicted. It is like I have to start over and reprocess all of this. Supposedly, this is better news than if the baby did have a problem because there is a better chance of a healthy baby in the future... but there is no closure for me. Please pray for peace and healing in our hearts.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
D and E Day
Tuesday, the 16th, I had my D & E where they remove the baby. They put me under for this. I had to show up to the hospital 2 hours early- like showing up for a flight or something. I checked in. There were lots of people waiting for surgury. It was a busy day there. It was what you might envision on TV in an emergency room or something- lots of people on rolling beds lined up with curtains between each person. Fortunately for me I got a corner spot so I was out of the way of most of the foot traffic. I was issued a very nice nurse. Bob could hang out with me for a while and then he had to leave. For the most part I was in OK spirits. The chaplain came by. He prayed with me. I was thankful for that. They had some difficulty getting the IV in me (I seem to have issues with IV's). It was at that time for some reason I got sad. The reality of why I was there sank in and I was just sad I had to be there for that reason- my baby died. I didn't want to have to say goodbye for good even though she had been gone for a while. The nurse shared with me that she lost a son in the 3rd trimester (I think) and she still thinks about him almost every day. That was 30 years ago. My procedure was scheduled for around 11:00 and they were pretty much right on time. The rolled me into the OR. I got sad again. The last time I was in an OR I was having Mattie- one of the happiest moments of my life. Hearing her cries was one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. I would not be hearing anything this time. They transferred me to the operating table. The nurse started sticking some probe things on me. And then the anesthesiologist started talking to me... he said, "It's going to feel a bit cold," referring to the drugs that were going into my IV. And literally I don't remember anything after that. The next thing I knew I was in the recovery area- another big room with lots of people separated by curtains. It was really weird. I don't remember getting sleepy or anything. They give you this drug that makes you forget. I wish I could forget more. My recovery was easy. I did not even feel tired the rest of the day. I wish the emotional recovery was as easy.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
God shows up in so many ways!
All the ways God has “showed up” during this process…
• Running into Carol in the mall just before the phone call from the doctor
• Already having a babysitter lined up for dinner the day we got the news (even if it was for Bob’s birthday) so we could have a peaceful meal together and talk
• Coffee with John scheduled two weeks prior that happened to fall the day after we got the news of the potential problem with the baby.
• Time with the Beltons Thursday evening and an opportunity to talk to Steve.
• My appointment with Dr. Rosenburg Friday morning- that I insisted on being able to have the opportunity to hear the heartbeat or not.
• Being able to get into Obsetrix that same day and finding out later from Dr. Belton that the doctor we got was a Believer.
• For Carol bringing over a meal Thursday evening.
• For Christa and Sara. Christa watched Mattie all Friday morning until noon while I was at Dr. Rosenburg’s and then Sara watched Mattie from noon until 7PM that night while I was at Obstetrix and also allowing Bob and I to have some quiet at home after the appointment and to go out to a quiet dinner together.
• For Dale and Ann providing my mom with a standby ticket to come down here Saturday morning.
• For a visit from the Beltons on Saturday afternoon.
• For my mom to be able to be here for a whole week.
• Running into the doctor coming out of the elevator on our way in at Obstetrix after our pre-op appointment.
• The pharmacist probably a believer.
• The chaplain praying with me today in the hospital
• Running into Carol in the mall just before the phone call from the doctor
• Already having a babysitter lined up for dinner the day we got the news (even if it was for Bob’s birthday) so we could have a peaceful meal together and talk
• Coffee with John scheduled two weeks prior that happened to fall the day after we got the news of the potential problem with the baby.
• Time with the Beltons Thursday evening and an opportunity to talk to Steve.
• My appointment with Dr. Rosenburg Friday morning- that I insisted on being able to have the opportunity to hear the heartbeat or not.
• Being able to get into Obsetrix that same day and finding out later from Dr. Belton that the doctor we got was a Believer.
• For Carol bringing over a meal Thursday evening.
• For Christa and Sara. Christa watched Mattie all Friday morning until noon while I was at Dr. Rosenburg’s and then Sara watched Mattie from noon until 7PM that night while I was at Obstetrix and also allowing Bob and I to have some quiet at home after the appointment and to go out to a quiet dinner together.
• For Dale and Ann providing my mom with a standby ticket to come down here Saturday morning.
• For a visit from the Beltons on Saturday afternoon.
• For my mom to be able to be here for a whole week.
• Running into the doctor coming out of the elevator on our way in at Obstetrix after our pre-op appointment.
• The pharmacist probably a believer.
• The chaplain praying with me today in the hospital
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Email #2 sent out
Dear Friends,
I have lost my baby at 18 weeks pregnant. This is devastating news since most of you know we have undergone 2 years of unexplained infertility and finally got pregnant after the 5th IUI (artificial insemination.) To recap for those who are in the dark about all of this... 3 days ago I got a call from my doctor that my 2nd trimester blood screen/test came back with some indicators of chromosomal abnormalities- specifically Trisomy 18. Basically, with the levels that came back along with my age, my baby was given a 1 in 3 chance of having Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is a genetic disorder in which a person has a 3rd copy of genetic material from chromosome 18, instead of the usual 2 copies. Generally speaking, life is not compatible with this genetic defect. Most babies die in the womb and those who make it to birth usually die within the first few hours or days. Few make it past a year old. Fortunately, this is not something that Bob or I carry- it is a random and very sad thing that just happens from time to time- something completely outside of our control.
At first we were trying to be optimistic because that meant that we had a 2 in 3 chance of the baby being normal. We had an appointment scheduled for this next Monday with the high risk specialists for an in depth ultrasound and amniocentesis. However, for my own piece of mind, I made an appointment for today with my regular doctor to just go in and see if there is even a heartbeat. If there was not, then we would take a new course of action. Well, I went in this morning and indeed there was no heartbeat. I was able to get an appointment with the specialists for an amniocentesis today and an ultrasound. The ultrasound concluded that the baby has been dead for at least a week. The amniocentesis will definitively tell us about the chromosomal issues that our baby had. We will find all that out in a couple of weeks.
After I found out the initial news about the abnormality, my prayer to God was that if the baby indeed had Trisomy 18, that He would just take the baby early. I could not imagine the emotional strain of carrying and possibly even birthing a baby that was guaranteed to die right away. I am so grateful for His grace in that way. Of course, I am devastated at the loss of this little life I had painfully waited so long for. It has been an emotional roller coaster the past 3 days. I am very confused as to why God would allow this to happen. But at the same time, I can not help but cherish my husband and my healthy 3 year old even more. I am lucky to have them. I just have to trust God with my life and the life of any future children.
We are also so grateful for the outpouring of encouragement, prayers, and support from so many of you. Though we do not have family in the area, we do feel like we indeed have family here in our friends. You all are such a blessing to us. I thank God for you all! My mom is going to fly out tomorrow morning and so she will be here for a week- a wonderful support and an excellent distraction for Mattie.
Much love to you all. Again, we cherish our friendship with you all. Having your love and friendship and support will be a big part of making it through this tough time.
Love,
Val, Bob, and Mattie Brown
I have lost my baby at 18 weeks pregnant. This is devastating news since most of you know we have undergone 2 years of unexplained infertility and finally got pregnant after the 5th IUI (artificial insemination.) To recap for those who are in the dark about all of this... 3 days ago I got a call from my doctor that my 2nd trimester blood screen/test came back with some indicators of chromosomal abnormalities- specifically Trisomy 18. Basically, with the levels that came back along with my age, my baby was given a 1 in 3 chance of having Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is a genetic disorder in which a person has a 3rd copy of genetic material from chromosome 18, instead of the usual 2 copies. Generally speaking, life is not compatible with this genetic defect. Most babies die in the womb and those who make it to birth usually die within the first few hours or days. Few make it past a year old. Fortunately, this is not something that Bob or I carry- it is a random and very sad thing that just happens from time to time- something completely outside of our control.
At first we were trying to be optimistic because that meant that we had a 2 in 3 chance of the baby being normal. We had an appointment scheduled for this next Monday with the high risk specialists for an in depth ultrasound and amniocentesis. However, for my own piece of mind, I made an appointment for today with my regular doctor to just go in and see if there is even a heartbeat. If there was not, then we would take a new course of action. Well, I went in this morning and indeed there was no heartbeat. I was able to get an appointment with the specialists for an amniocentesis today and an ultrasound. The ultrasound concluded that the baby has been dead for at least a week. The amniocentesis will definitively tell us about the chromosomal issues that our baby had. We will find all that out in a couple of weeks.
After I found out the initial news about the abnormality, my prayer to God was that if the baby indeed had Trisomy 18, that He would just take the baby early. I could not imagine the emotional strain of carrying and possibly even birthing a baby that was guaranteed to die right away. I am so grateful for His grace in that way. Of course, I am devastated at the loss of this little life I had painfully waited so long for. It has been an emotional roller coaster the past 3 days. I am very confused as to why God would allow this to happen. But at the same time, I can not help but cherish my husband and my healthy 3 year old even more. I am lucky to have them. I just have to trust God with my life and the life of any future children.
We are also so grateful for the outpouring of encouragement, prayers, and support from so many of you. Though we do not have family in the area, we do feel like we indeed have family here in our friends. You all are such a blessing to us. I thank God for you all! My mom is going to fly out tomorrow morning and so she will be here for a week- a wonderful support and an excellent distraction for Mattie.
Much love to you all. Again, we cherish our friendship with you all. Having your love and friendship and support will be a big part of making it through this tough time.
Love,
Val, Bob, and Mattie Brown
Friday, November 12, 2010
Listening for a heartbeat
Because Thursday was a holiday (MLK day) I had to wait until Friday to go into Dr. Rosenburg's to listen for a heartbeat. It was my idea and initiative that got my into his office to listen for the heartbeat. Dr. Rosenburg did not think that it would be necessary. I think he assumed that the baby would still be alive. However, with trisomy 18, the baby could die at any point. And being the "lay all your cards on the table" kind of person, I wanted to go ahead and rule that in or out. If the baby was indeed dead, then my appointment at Obstetrix for Monday would take on a completely different focus. Thursday night (early Friday morning 2am) I woke up and I grieved. I sobbed. The thought that my baby was gone was heavy on my heart. Bob tried to comfort and encourage me. I was so so sad. I was not as optimistic. We had met with Steve and Wanda Belton earlier Thursday night. Steve was so great to invite us over to talk things through but he did not paint a rosy picture. He presented the facts and the statistics just how they are. I left with a more realistic and less optimistic picture. (A side note 3 months into the future... Feb 2011: I am so glad to have grieved then. It really was the only time up until now that I grieved with a deep sobbing grief. It was a gift from God, I think. He allowed me to grieve before I knew anything.) I didn't want to lose the baby... but I had a sinking feeling in my heart. All night my heart seemed to be pounding in my belly. It was weird. I had been feeling my heart pounding harder in my belly all week. It was not the first time I had noticed it. I had been trying to feel for a baby kick- but every night I kept feeling my heart beating in my belly instead. It was omninous to me. It didn't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it.
I decided to go the doctor's appointment by myself. I guess I was still optimistic enough or maybe I believed that if I remained optimistic things would be OK. Bob had taken other time off recently and I didn't want to make him take more time off from work. I had emailed my mom that morning, however. I basically said, "If I find out the baby's dead, will you come down for a few days?" So I wanted my bases covered. I was optimistic, but I couldn't help but start preparing myself for the possible devastating news.
I get to the doctor's office. There is a really young, nice, cute gal that is one of the front office ladies that check you in. She knows I had been seeing Dr. Trobough for infertility stuff for a while and was so excited that I had "graduated" over to Dr. Rosenburg. So she says to me, "Guess what? My due date is one day different than yours." "Oh, that's cool!" I say, trying desperately to keep my cool! She asks, "Are you going to find out the gender?" I respond, "Yah, we want to." But meanwhile thinking to myself, I may be about to find out my baby is dead. I am barely keeping it together at this moment. I hold it together to get my print out think to take the doctor. I walk back to the office and hand the nurse my paper. She asks me to sit down for a minute and she'll be right with me. I'm not doing too well. I'm going to lose it so I go into the bathroom and sob as quietly as I can and try to pull myself together enough just to get back to the examination room. The nurse takes me back there and I lose it. I tell her about the sweet but clueless girl up front and I tell her that I just don't want to lose my baby. I all but collapse onto my knees in deep sobs. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I finally get myself together a bit and Dr. Rosenburg comes in. He has the heartbeat monitor. In the past he has found the baby's heartbeat with in 1 second of putting it on my stomach. So when he put it on my stomach, you could clearly hear a heartbeat... but it was mine. He moved that thing around my stomach... nothing. I knew it then. I started to sob. I asked me to try to calm down so that he could continue searching. He tried so hard- he pushed down and tried all sorts of angles. But I knew... that baby was gone. So then I wanted to get an ultrasound. So he walked me to another room. I wasn't sure if I could look... but I couldn't NOT look. There was my sweet little baby- all curled up in fetal position. It was gone. The image is clear as day in my brain. I sob again. Oh Lord! Why?!? Dr. Rosenburg takes me back to his office. It is there I have to make the call to Bob and then to my mom. Then I had to call Christa who was taking care of Mattie at the time. It was like after that, the wound in my heart scabbed up and I went into task mode. I couldn't cry any more tears. Dr. Rosenburg got me an appointment for Obstetrix in the next hour. We had to act fast. We ended up dividing and conquering. I drove to Christa's house to pick up Mattie so I could then take her to the Bozarth's house. Sarah would take Mattie for as long as we needed. (Praise the Lord! We have such supportive friends!) Meanwhile, Bob was going to pick up something for us to eat in the car on the way to Obstetrix. We met up at the Bozarths and then drove to Obstetrix together. There we had an appointment with a genetic(?) counselor- doctor- who would help us look at our options. I also was going to get an amniocentesis that day and an ultrasound. We decided to get a D & E rather than having to try to birth the baby. I went in for my ultrasound and amnio. The tech came in to do the ultrasound. I asked her to show me as many parts of the baby as possible. This was my last time to see my baby ever again this side of heaven. I wanted to take it in. She said that the baby was measuring only 15 weeks and that it was already breaking down so it must have been dead at least a week. She could not see the gender of the baby at that point. Then the doctor came in and did the amnio. I found out later from Steve that that doctor was a Christian. After all of that was done, we called Sarah. She told us that she would gladly take Mattie as late as we wanted or needed- the she could even spend the night. What a dear dear friend! We decided that having her spend the night wouldn't be a good idea (Mattie wouldn't do well) but that we really would enjoy being able to come home and rest and then get some dinner by ourselves. So that is what we did. We came home, I wrote that email, and then we went to Dish Dash for dinner. We picked Mattie up at 7Pm and came home and put her to bed at 8PM. My mom will be arriving the next morning.
I decided to go the doctor's appointment by myself. I guess I was still optimistic enough or maybe I believed that if I remained optimistic things would be OK. Bob had taken other time off recently and I didn't want to make him take more time off from work. I had emailed my mom that morning, however. I basically said, "If I find out the baby's dead, will you come down for a few days?" So I wanted my bases covered. I was optimistic, but I couldn't help but start preparing myself for the possible devastating news.
I get to the doctor's office. There is a really young, nice, cute gal that is one of the front office ladies that check you in. She knows I had been seeing Dr. Trobough for infertility stuff for a while and was so excited that I had "graduated" over to Dr. Rosenburg. So she says to me, "Guess what? My due date is one day different than yours." "Oh, that's cool!" I say, trying desperately to keep my cool! She asks, "Are you going to find out the gender?" I respond, "Yah, we want to." But meanwhile thinking to myself, I may be about to find out my baby is dead. I am barely keeping it together at this moment. I hold it together to get my print out think to take the doctor. I walk back to the office and hand the nurse my paper. She asks me to sit down for a minute and she'll be right with me. I'm not doing too well. I'm going to lose it so I go into the bathroom and sob as quietly as I can and try to pull myself together enough just to get back to the examination room. The nurse takes me back there and I lose it. I tell her about the sweet but clueless girl up front and I tell her that I just don't want to lose my baby. I all but collapse onto my knees in deep sobs. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I finally get myself together a bit and Dr. Rosenburg comes in. He has the heartbeat monitor. In the past he has found the baby's heartbeat with in 1 second of putting it on my stomach. So when he put it on my stomach, you could clearly hear a heartbeat... but it was mine. He moved that thing around my stomach... nothing. I knew it then. I started to sob. I asked me to try to calm down so that he could continue searching. He tried so hard- he pushed down and tried all sorts of angles. But I knew... that baby was gone. So then I wanted to get an ultrasound. So he walked me to another room. I wasn't sure if I could look... but I couldn't NOT look. There was my sweet little baby- all curled up in fetal position. It was gone. The image is clear as day in my brain. I sob again. Oh Lord! Why?!? Dr. Rosenburg takes me back to his office. It is there I have to make the call to Bob and then to my mom. Then I had to call Christa who was taking care of Mattie at the time. It was like after that, the wound in my heart scabbed up and I went into task mode. I couldn't cry any more tears. Dr. Rosenburg got me an appointment for Obstetrix in the next hour. We had to act fast. We ended up dividing and conquering. I drove to Christa's house to pick up Mattie so I could then take her to the Bozarth's house. Sarah would take Mattie for as long as we needed. (Praise the Lord! We have such supportive friends!) Meanwhile, Bob was going to pick up something for us to eat in the car on the way to Obstetrix. We met up at the Bozarths and then drove to Obstetrix together. There we had an appointment with a genetic(?) counselor- doctor- who would help us look at our options. I also was going to get an amniocentesis that day and an ultrasound. We decided to get a D & E rather than having to try to birth the baby. I went in for my ultrasound and amnio. The tech came in to do the ultrasound. I asked her to show me as many parts of the baby as possible. This was my last time to see my baby ever again this side of heaven. I wanted to take it in. She said that the baby was measuring only 15 weeks and that it was already breaking down so it must have been dead at least a week. She could not see the gender of the baby at that point. Then the doctor came in and did the amnio. I found out later from Steve that that doctor was a Christian. After all of that was done, we called Sarah. She told us that she would gladly take Mattie as late as we wanted or needed- the she could even spend the night. What a dear dear friend! We decided that having her spend the night wouldn't be a good idea (Mattie wouldn't do well) but that we really would enjoy being able to come home and rest and then get some dinner by ourselves. So that is what we did. We came home, I wrote that email, and then we went to Dish Dash for dinner. We picked Mattie up at 7Pm and came home and put her to bed at 8PM. My mom will be arriving the next morning.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Optimistic... mostly
Thursday, November 11th:
Needless to say, I did not get a very good night’s sleep that night. But it was going to be a busy packed schedule of a day and that was fine with me. I woke up, however, feeling very optimistic that my baby was going to be in the two-thirds majority and everything was going to be ok. Those tests always just freak people out and then end up being false, right? At least that is what I was telling myself. I dropped Mattie off at her preschool at 9:00am and then drove over to Red Rock to meet John Riemenschnitter for coffee and a chat. John and I typically get together 1-2 times a year and grab a cup of coffee and catch up on life. He was my 20’s pastor for many years and helped marry Bob and me. He has continued to be a good friend. I had not met up with him for over a year or maybe two! It just “so happened” that we had scheduled this coffee date two weeks prior and it “happened” to fall the day after I got the news about the test results. God is very purposeful that way. He has “walked” many a path with me in life. John sees me and asks, “How’s it going?” “…Well…not so great.” I answer with hesitation; “We just got some bad news about my pregnancy. I’ll explain it all in a few minutes.” “Let’s grab coffee and head up to my office,” he replies. “Yes, that would be great. Thank you.” We grabbed coffee and then headed up. I shared with him the situation with my pregnancy. We talked about it for a bit and then moved on to discussing my little munchkin, Mattie, who has been quite testy the past month or so. It was like there were too many unknowns for me to be upset at the time. I was still in shock about it all and trying to be optimistic. It was great talking to him. He had many insights for me in regards to raising a firecracker 3 year old. He has 4 kids- the youngest in 1st grade- he’s got plenty of wisdom to share.
Not completed...
Needless to say, I did not get a very good night’s sleep that night. But it was going to be a busy packed schedule of a day and that was fine with me. I woke up, however, feeling very optimistic that my baby was going to be in the two-thirds majority and everything was going to be ok. Those tests always just freak people out and then end up being false, right? At least that is what I was telling myself. I dropped Mattie off at her preschool at 9:00am and then drove over to Red Rock to meet John Riemenschnitter for coffee and a chat. John and I typically get together 1-2 times a year and grab a cup of coffee and catch up on life. He was my 20’s pastor for many years and helped marry Bob and me. He has continued to be a good friend. I had not met up with him for over a year or maybe two! It just “so happened” that we had scheduled this coffee date two weeks prior and it “happened” to fall the day after I got the news about the test results. God is very purposeful that way. He has “walked” many a path with me in life. John sees me and asks, “How’s it going?” “…Well…not so great.” I answer with hesitation; “We just got some bad news about my pregnancy. I’ll explain it all in a few minutes.” “Let’s grab coffee and head up to my office,” he replies. “Yes, that would be great. Thank you.” We grabbed coffee and then headed up. I shared with him the situation with my pregnancy. We talked about it for a bit and then moved on to discussing my little munchkin, Mattie, who has been quite testy the past month or so. It was like there were too many unknowns for me to be upset at the time. I was still in shock about it all and trying to be optimistic. It was great talking to him. He had many insights for me in regards to raising a firecracker 3 year old. He has 4 kids- the youngest in 1st grade- he’s got plenty of wisdom to share.
Not completed...
Email #1 sent out: 11/10 Bob's birthday
Dear friends,
Please forgive the mass email (and hopefully I didn't forget anyone.) I just want as much prayer as possible.
I just got a call today from my doctor that a blood test I took last week came back with a potential abnormality: Trisomy 18 and open neural tube defect (NTD). Basically, there is a 1 and 3 chance that this test for the trisomy 18 is true (for lack of a better word at the moment.) Basically, if the test is accurate, it means that there is no chance for my baby to survive and it will probably die before the due date.
I will be going in for more testing next Monday and I will probably also have to make the decision whether or not to get an amniocentesis (if I get that, there is a 1 in 1,000 chance of miscarriage but there is a 100% accuracy of testing all chromosomal issues.) I may also go into the doctor on Friday just to see if the baby is even alive now- that's just for me and my peace of mind.
How am I doing? Well, I am in shock. I don't understand how God would let me go through 2 years of infertility, finally get pregnant, and then this...but He is BIG, He is sovereign. I have not broken down yet...(that's a big YET)... maybe because I am hopeful that this is all for not and that everything is really ok. It's like I just can't think about it. I going to want to keep myself very busy for the next 4 days. To top it all off, it is Bob's birthday, poor guy. What great news to get on your birthday.
Anyway, all prayers would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Val, Bob, Mattie, and baby Brown
Please forgive the mass email (and hopefully I didn't forget anyone.) I just want as much prayer as possible.
I just got a call today from my doctor that a blood test I took last week came back with a potential abnormality: Trisomy 18 and open neural tube defect (NTD). Basically, there is a 1 and 3 chance that this test for the trisomy 18 is true (for lack of a better word at the moment.) Basically, if the test is accurate, it means that there is no chance for my baby to survive and it will probably die before the due date.
I will be going in for more testing next Monday and I will probably also have to make the decision whether or not to get an amniocentesis (if I get that, there is a 1 in 1,000 chance of miscarriage but there is a 100% accuracy of testing all chromosomal issues.) I may also go into the doctor on Friday just to see if the baby is even alive now- that's just for me and my peace of mind.
How am I doing? Well, I am in shock. I don't understand how God would let me go through 2 years of infertility, finally get pregnant, and then this...but He is BIG, He is sovereign. I have not broken down yet...(that's a big YET)... maybe because I am hopeful that this is all for not and that everything is really ok. It's like I just can't think about it. I going to want to keep myself very busy for the next 4 days. To top it all off, it is Bob's birthday, poor guy. What great news to get on your birthday.
Anyway, all prayers would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Val, Bob, Mattie, and baby Brown
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The call from the doctor... Bob's birthday
Wednesday, November 10th:
It was Bob’s 36th birthday… one he or I will never forget. Mattie and I were at the mall hanging out with my friend Christa and her kids Josh and baby Matthew. It had been a good day. The kids played, we had lunch at Pizza My Heart, and then we were at Pottery Barn Kids letting the kids run around. It was there we ran into my friend Carol and her two daughters, Emma Kate and Hannah. Christa had to go due to Josh needing a nap. I was about to head out myself when Mattie all of a sudden pooped her pants. Fortunately, PBK has a bathroom right in the store and I had a change of clothes with me. Mattie and I were in the bathroom when I got a call from my OBGyn, Dr. Rosenberg. He asked if I had a minute… well, when one’s doctor asks if you have a minute the answer is always, “YES!” He proceeded to tell me that the test results had come back from last week’s blood test. My bloodwork indicated that my baby might have a chromosomal defect called trisomy 18. Basically, with the levels of hormones and such in the bloodwork along with my age, there was a 1 in 3 chance that my baby had this issue. I had never heard of trisomy 18. “Was it a risk of downs?” I asked. He explained that this was not Down’s but a chromosomal abnormality that was not compatible with life. My mind was reeling… What?!?... Is this a joke?... I was in total shock. I started asking the doctor lots of questions- I can’t even remember what they are. But I did not cry- it was like I went into task and coping mode. Here I was at the mall with my daughter in the bathroom holding a pair of poopy underwear. Talk about a metaphor. I hung up with the doctor. I had to get Mattie put back together, call Bob, and then call the Obstetrix place (high risk pregnancy specialists) to see if I could move up my appointment that was scheduled for next week. We left Pottery Barn in a daze and my next task was to find a place Mattie could run around that was not too loud so I cold call Bob. We wandered back to Pizza My Heart. There was a hallway just outside the store that had tables and chairs. Just as we got there, the phone rang- it was Carol. She had noticed that Mattie and I were in the bathroom for a very very long time and just wanted to see if everything was OK. Bless her heart! God always provides just when you need it! I told her, “Well, no…” and then I proceeded to explain the news I just got from my doctor. Well, she was at the Disney store with her girls and said that I could bring Mattie down there and she would watch her and her girls so I could make any necessary phone calls. What a gift! That is what I did. I was able to call Bob and explain to him what I could remember from what the doctor had told me (things were such a blur!) Then I was able to call Obstetrix. Because of the Veteran’s Day holiday, the soonest I could make my appointment was a day earlier, on Monday, but I took it! We hung out at the Disney store for a little bit then I ran to one other store and we headed home. I had tutoring that afternoon and decided it would be a good distraction for me. It wasn’t long after getting home from tutoring that Bob came home and then we picked up the babysitter and went out for Bob’s not-so-celebratory birthday dinner. It was nice to be able to take a deep breath and talk things over.
It was Bob’s 36th birthday… one he or I will never forget. Mattie and I were at the mall hanging out with my friend Christa and her kids Josh and baby Matthew. It had been a good day. The kids played, we had lunch at Pizza My Heart, and then we were at Pottery Barn Kids letting the kids run around. It was there we ran into my friend Carol and her two daughters, Emma Kate and Hannah. Christa had to go due to Josh needing a nap. I was about to head out myself when Mattie all of a sudden pooped her pants. Fortunately, PBK has a bathroom right in the store and I had a change of clothes with me. Mattie and I were in the bathroom when I got a call from my OBGyn, Dr. Rosenberg. He asked if I had a minute… well, when one’s doctor asks if you have a minute the answer is always, “YES!” He proceeded to tell me that the test results had come back from last week’s blood test. My bloodwork indicated that my baby might have a chromosomal defect called trisomy 18. Basically, with the levels of hormones and such in the bloodwork along with my age, there was a 1 in 3 chance that my baby had this issue. I had never heard of trisomy 18. “Was it a risk of downs?” I asked. He explained that this was not Down’s but a chromosomal abnormality that was not compatible with life. My mind was reeling… What?!?... Is this a joke?... I was in total shock. I started asking the doctor lots of questions- I can’t even remember what they are. But I did not cry- it was like I went into task and coping mode. Here I was at the mall with my daughter in the bathroom holding a pair of poopy underwear. Talk about a metaphor. I hung up with the doctor. I had to get Mattie put back together, call Bob, and then call the Obstetrix place (high risk pregnancy specialists) to see if I could move up my appointment that was scheduled for next week. We left Pottery Barn in a daze and my next task was to find a place Mattie could run around that was not too loud so I cold call Bob. We wandered back to Pizza My Heart. There was a hallway just outside the store that had tables and chairs. Just as we got there, the phone rang- it was Carol. She had noticed that Mattie and I were in the bathroom for a very very long time and just wanted to see if everything was OK. Bless her heart! God always provides just when you need it! I told her, “Well, no…” and then I proceeded to explain the news I just got from my doctor. Well, she was at the Disney store with her girls and said that I could bring Mattie down there and she would watch her and her girls so I could make any necessary phone calls. What a gift! That is what I did. I was able to call Bob and explain to him what I could remember from what the doctor had told me (things were such a blur!) Then I was able to call Obstetrix. Because of the Veteran’s Day holiday, the soonest I could make my appointment was a day earlier, on Monday, but I took it! We hung out at the Disney store for a little bit then I ran to one other store and we headed home. I had tutoring that afternoon and decided it would be a good distraction for me. It wasn’t long after getting home from tutoring that Bob came home and then we picked up the babysitter and went out for Bob’s not-so-celebratory birthday dinner. It was nice to be able to take a deep breath and talk things over.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
8 1/2 weeks and pregnancy looks good
I had a doctor's appointment today. I was a bit nervous about it since the 8 week mark is a common time for women to miscarry and sometimes one doesn't know until she goes in for her ultrasound and there is no heartbeat. It has happened to several of my friends. However, thankfully, that was not the case for me! Everything was looking just fine and the baby is exactly the right size for how far along I am. I got to see the baby wiggle as well as the heartbeat. He/She has little arms and little legs and is about an inch long. Today was my last visit with Dr. Trobough. In 2 weeks I'll have my first appointment with Dr. Rosenburg, who is technically my regular OB.
As far as my health goes, I'm doing pretty well. My cysts are still there, but decreasing. I often will feel queasy for about half of the day and it often flip flops which half that is. Maybe I'll get through this pregnancy without throwing up... but I'm not counting on it. Around 2:00 every afternoon, I hit a wall and become absolutely exhausted. So I am still trying to lay down every day for an hour or so while Mattie takes a play nap. This has been going pretty well, overall.
Here's the picture of our little munchkin:
As far as my health goes, I'm doing pretty well. My cysts are still there, but decreasing. I often will feel queasy for about half of the day and it often flip flops which half that is. Maybe I'll get through this pregnancy without throwing up... but I'm not counting on it. Around 2:00 every afternoon, I hit a wall and become absolutely exhausted. So I am still trying to lay down every day for an hour or so while Mattie takes a play nap. This has been going pretty well, overall.
Here's the picture of our little munchkin:
One healthy heartbeat
We went to the doctor's yesterday morning. Good news. The baby was a smidgen bigger than expected and the little heart was beating away! Bob was relieved that there was only 1 heartbeat. :) Seeing the heartbeat was a relief to me- but I still will not feel totally confident about things for another 3-4 weeks after I have passed the 10 week mark. I have another appointment in 2 weeks on September 7th.
Here is a picture of our little one. The dark spot in the middle is the sack. The dotted line covers the small image of the baby. The 2 dark spots on either side are both cysts that I have that still need to go down. Over time they will. My activity is limited until then- you don't want them to twist or burst. For perspective, my cysts are about an inch in diameter. I guess that must be about how big my sack is right now.
Here is a picture of our little one. The dark spot in the middle is the sack. The dotted line covers the small image of the baby. The 2 dark spots on either side are both cysts that I have that still need to go down. Over time they will. My activity is limited until then- you don't want them to twist or burst. For perspective, my cysts are about an inch in diameter. I guess that must be about how big my sack is right now.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tomorrow's a big day!
Tomorrow at 8:45AM I have the ultrasound we've been waiting for. Tomorrow's the big day to find out if we see a little heartbeat- or even 2 little heartbeats. By doing injectible medication, I have a 20% chance of having twins. I honestly don't care! I just want a healthy little one or ones! :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The moment we've been waiting for!
The Background Story:
It was quite the busy and hectic month, not the ideal circumstances for trying to make a baby. Plus, it seemed that little things kept going awry. First, I started my period on a Friday. So I couldn't bee seen by a doctor until Monday, day 4 of my cycle. I'm supposed to start my injectible medication on day 3 or 4. Then there was a panic that I might have to pay for the $1,000 medication (yep, $1000!) out of pocket. But after 30 minutes of stressful phone calls to my insurance company (after being disconnected once and talking to various wrong people) I was assured that if I paid for the drug upfront, then they would reimburse me. I decided to believe them and go for it. (They ultimately did reimburse me. This helped boost my shaky confidence in insurance companies.) So I inject the drug into my thigh and/or stomach every day for 7 days. Then I get an ultrasound and the doctor assesses whether to do IUI the next day or wait one more day. I was needing to wait one more day. Well, the tricky part in all this is that I was in the middle of teaching a Study and Organizational skills class to Jr. High students at King's Academy all that week. Fortunately, I had only agreed to teach the class if I could co-teach it with someone else. So the guy in charge of finding teachers to teach the class ended up splitting the time with me. Bless his heart, he was super flexible about my doctor's appointments and filled in whenever needed. The deal was, however, that I was in charge of doing all the planning. I was pretty stressed and working my tail off that week. Again, not ideal circumstances for baby making. The day before my IUI, I give myself one more shot at 4:30 in the afternoon it make me ovulate. Well, I forgot about it and didn't take the shot until 7:30 that night- 3 hours late. I was thinking to myself, "This month was a waste of time and money!" On Wednesday and Thursday of that week I had my IUI. I made it through week, but I was pretty wiped out. However, I couldn't stop to rest because the next day, Saturday, we flew out early in the morning for a trip to Oregon for my cousin's wedding reception and a visit to the coast to see Bob's sister's family. While on our trip, Mattie was a horrible sleeper and we were pretty tired. However, I must say, the time at the coast was really nice and relaxing. There's not much to do, it is quiet, and it's very casual. Just what I needed.
Now fast forward 2 weeks. As one might understand, I did not have much confidence in this month working out. So I woke up at 4:00am Tuesday, August 3rd, and I prayed for God to have mercy on me. I have done this before and have not been pregnant, so it was a reluctant cry out. However, this time, I was also asking God to spare me from the IVF decision that was looming over my head. I knew if this month didn't work, I would start pursuing that route. I felt very conflicted about it. I believe that every fertilized egg is a baby at conception. And with IVF it is often a numbers game and you run the risk of having multiple fertilized eggs "left over" after going through it. For me, that would mean that I would need to be willing to have as many children as I had fertilized eggs. I would not allow them to be "dumped" and I didn't want to give them up for adoption to someone else to use. Anyway, those were all my internal conflicts going on. Side note: I am not completely against IVF because I have several friend whom if it weren't for IVF, they would not have children today. But it is definitely a serious and personal choice! I'm just against the "dumping" of fertilized eggs. So all that to say, I pleaded that God spare me from having to make the IVF decision. Well, as I was lying in bed praying, I literally started to feel my period coming on. I started to feel a little crampy. And sure enough, when I got up that morning to use the bathroom, I had some minimal spotting. "There it is," I thought. I was bummed. Why did God not answer my prayer again?
That day, I had scheduled to go visit my friend who was pregnant with twins via IVF. I figured this was good timing so I could ask her specific questions about her experience and learn more about it. It was very encouraging and informative. So that afternoon I decided to do a little research and pick two possible fertility clinics that do IVF and set up consultation appointments. Fortunately, our insurance covered it 90% with a $15,000 lifetime maximum (which would cover about 1 round of IVF.) When Bob got home from work that night, I spent some time talking to him about it. After Mattie went to bed, we worked out a game plan of what needed to be done. I also had Bob watch an IVF video online with me. As we were chatting further, I casually mentioned that my "period" had not really progressed and in fact it had died off a bit. He proceeded to ask me if it could be implantation spotting. When the baby attaches to the uterus, sometimes a woman can have spotting from that. I told him it probably wasn't but that it could be. He asked if I had any pregnancy tests. I did not. So he volunteered to run to Target and buy one. I
To be continued...
It was quite the busy and hectic month, not the ideal circumstances for trying to make a baby. Plus, it seemed that little things kept going awry. First, I started my period on a Friday. So I couldn't bee seen by a doctor until Monday, day 4 of my cycle. I'm supposed to start my injectible medication on day 3 or 4. Then there was a panic that I might have to pay for the $1,000 medication (yep, $1000!) out of pocket. But after 30 minutes of stressful phone calls to my insurance company (after being disconnected once and talking to various wrong people) I was assured that if I paid for the drug upfront, then they would reimburse me. I decided to believe them and go for it. (They ultimately did reimburse me. This helped boost my shaky confidence in insurance companies.) So I inject the drug into my thigh and/or stomach every day for 7 days. Then I get an ultrasound and the doctor assesses whether to do IUI the next day or wait one more day. I was needing to wait one more day. Well, the tricky part in all this is that I was in the middle of teaching a Study and Organizational skills class to Jr. High students at King's Academy all that week. Fortunately, I had only agreed to teach the class if I could co-teach it with someone else. So the guy in charge of finding teachers to teach the class ended up splitting the time with me. Bless his heart, he was super flexible about my doctor's appointments and filled in whenever needed. The deal was, however, that I was in charge of doing all the planning. I was pretty stressed and working my tail off that week. Again, not ideal circumstances for baby making. The day before my IUI, I give myself one more shot at 4:30 in the afternoon it make me ovulate. Well, I forgot about it and didn't take the shot until 7:30 that night- 3 hours late. I was thinking to myself, "This month was a waste of time and money!" On Wednesday and Thursday of that week I had my IUI. I made it through week, but I was pretty wiped out. However, I couldn't stop to rest because the next day, Saturday, we flew out early in the morning for a trip to Oregon for my cousin's wedding reception and a visit to the coast to see Bob's sister's family. While on our trip, Mattie was a horrible sleeper and we were pretty tired. However, I must say, the time at the coast was really nice and relaxing. There's not much to do, it is quiet, and it's very casual. Just what I needed.
Now fast forward 2 weeks. As one might understand, I did not have much confidence in this month working out. So I woke up at 4:00am Tuesday, August 3rd, and I prayed for God to have mercy on me. I have done this before and have not been pregnant, so it was a reluctant cry out. However, this time, I was also asking God to spare me from the IVF decision that was looming over my head. I knew if this month didn't work, I would start pursuing that route. I felt very conflicted about it. I believe that every fertilized egg is a baby at conception. And with IVF it is often a numbers game and you run the risk of having multiple fertilized eggs "left over" after going through it. For me, that would mean that I would need to be willing to have as many children as I had fertilized eggs. I would not allow them to be "dumped" and I didn't want to give them up for adoption to someone else to use. Anyway, those were all my internal conflicts going on. Side note: I am not completely against IVF because I have several friend whom if it weren't for IVF, they would not have children today. But it is definitely a serious and personal choice! I'm just against the "dumping" of fertilized eggs. So all that to say, I pleaded that God spare me from having to make the IVF decision. Well, as I was lying in bed praying, I literally started to feel my period coming on. I started to feel a little crampy. And sure enough, when I got up that morning to use the bathroom, I had some minimal spotting. "There it is," I thought. I was bummed. Why did God not answer my prayer again?
That day, I had scheduled to go visit my friend who was pregnant with twins via IVF. I figured this was good timing so I could ask her specific questions about her experience and learn more about it. It was very encouraging and informative. So that afternoon I decided to do a little research and pick two possible fertility clinics that do IVF and set up consultation appointments. Fortunately, our insurance covered it 90% with a $15,000 lifetime maximum (which would cover about 1 round of IVF.) When Bob got home from work that night, I spent some time talking to him about it. After Mattie went to bed, we worked out a game plan of what needed to be done. I also had Bob watch an IVF video online with me. As we were chatting further, I casually mentioned that my "period" had not really progressed and in fact it had died off a bit. He proceeded to ask me if it could be implantation spotting. When the baby attaches to the uterus, sometimes a woman can have spotting from that. I told him it probably wasn't but that it could be. He asked if I had any pregnancy tests. I did not. So he volunteered to run to Target and buy one. I
To be continued...
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Spiritual Journey
I do not understand God's Ways at times. All I know is that "waiting" has been a bit of a reoccurring theme in my life. The waiting I have had to sometimes endure, however, has always ended well. Waiting to get married, for example. It was a difficult road to endure singleness for so long when my heart longed and ached to be married. However, I can see the character building God did along the way to make me ready for my hubby, Bob. I don't know how much stuff in the World God is controlling Himself- there are circumstances in the World that God allows but I know He did not cause. All I know is that he can take ALL things and use them for good and for His purposes (Rom 8:28)
I do know that God certainly needed to work on me and my character during this time of waiting and infertility. I had drifted from Him. I was so focused on Mattie and our new house and on life in general. That in itself is not bad- but God wanted to be a part of it and I was not asking Him to join me in it. I needed to start reading the Word again. I needed to feel His presence again. I was a zombie and just going through the motions because technically, I was doing just fine without including God. I didn't really "need" Him. I was living my "dream"... mostly. My plan included more than one child. My plan included having kids that were about 2 years apart- no more than 2 1/2 years apart. Though we started the process early, after a year, it was becoming obvious that things weren't going to be going according to MY plan. I was not too upset about this at first... I'd be getting pregnant any month now. But then month after month after month passed... no pregnancy. I started getting discouraged and frustrated. I was doing everything possible to make things happen! The doctors told me there was no apparent reason why I was not getting pregnant. Why was God allowing every other woman around me to get pregnant but not me (and there were seriously a lot of my friends getting pregnant!)? What was God trying to teach me? I started to feel that God had it out for me- though I knew that ultimately was not true- but it felt that way! I battled jealousy for all these women around me that seemed to be able to get pregnant by sneezing. I didn't like how I felt inside. That is when I started looking within. It was time to let go of CONTROL. Oh that blasted word, CONTROL! What a curse it is on most females. Most of us crave it, strive for it, manipulate to get it. I know I desire control. I want to plan things out and I want them to go according to MY plan. It was becoming obvious that I was not in control of this.
Then I just got sad. I felt exactly the same as when I was single and feeling like there was no man in sight. I had this deep and strong desire in my heart- a desire that was good. But it just wasn't happening. I had to let go of my dream. I remember the night I let go of my dream of marriage. I had to grieve it and then lay it at the feet of God as an offering. This didn't mean I didn't still hope for marriage- no! But I had to let go of the control of that dream. Ultimately, I was in the hands of God. I had to choose GOD over that dream. I had to also now choose God over my dream of multiple children. I had to accept that Mattie could be my only child. Being an only child for 10 years and really wanting a sibling (before my brother was born- yay!), I told myself that I never wanted to only have just one. But I had to be ready for that reality. And I had to accept that reality in the face of no explanation for it except that it was God's Will for me. There didn't seem to be any medical reason for it.
When things get "good" and "easy" in life, I tend to drift from God. It's the trials that bring me to my knees.
Romans 5:1-5 says it perfectly:
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Amen.
I do know that God certainly needed to work on me and my character during this time of waiting and infertility. I had drifted from Him. I was so focused on Mattie and our new house and on life in general. That in itself is not bad- but God wanted to be a part of it and I was not asking Him to join me in it. I needed to start reading the Word again. I needed to feel His presence again. I was a zombie and just going through the motions because technically, I was doing just fine without including God. I didn't really "need" Him. I was living my "dream"... mostly. My plan included more than one child. My plan included having kids that were about 2 years apart- no more than 2 1/2 years apart. Though we started the process early, after a year, it was becoming obvious that things weren't going to be going according to MY plan. I was not too upset about this at first... I'd be getting pregnant any month now. But then month after month after month passed... no pregnancy. I started getting discouraged and frustrated. I was doing everything possible to make things happen! The doctors told me there was no apparent reason why I was not getting pregnant. Why was God allowing every other woman around me to get pregnant but not me (and there were seriously a lot of my friends getting pregnant!)? What was God trying to teach me? I started to feel that God had it out for me- though I knew that ultimately was not true- but it felt that way! I battled jealousy for all these women around me that seemed to be able to get pregnant by sneezing. I didn't like how I felt inside. That is when I started looking within. It was time to let go of CONTROL. Oh that blasted word, CONTROL! What a curse it is on most females. Most of us crave it, strive for it, manipulate to get it. I know I desire control. I want to plan things out and I want them to go according to MY plan. It was becoming obvious that I was not in control of this.
Then I just got sad. I felt exactly the same as when I was single and feeling like there was no man in sight. I had this deep and strong desire in my heart- a desire that was good. But it just wasn't happening. I had to let go of my dream. I remember the night I let go of my dream of marriage. I had to grieve it and then lay it at the feet of God as an offering. This didn't mean I didn't still hope for marriage- no! But I had to let go of the control of that dream. Ultimately, I was in the hands of God. I had to choose GOD over that dream. I had to also now choose God over my dream of multiple children. I had to accept that Mattie could be my only child. Being an only child for 10 years and really wanting a sibling (before my brother was born- yay!), I told myself that I never wanted to only have just one. But I had to be ready for that reality. And I had to accept that reality in the face of no explanation for it except that it was God's Will for me. There didn't seem to be any medical reason for it.
When things get "good" and "easy" in life, I tend to drift from God. It's the trials that bring me to my knees.
Romans 5:1-5 says it perfectly:
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Amen.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The long road...
We have endured 2 long years of unexplained infertility. It has been a frustrating process to say the least. I got pregnant so easily the first time and miscarried. Then I got pregnant the first month trying after the miscarriage with our sweet Mattie. After Mattie was born, we waited until she was 8 months to start trying again. We assumed it wouldn't take long... boy were we wrong! After 8 months of no luck, I thought maybe I wasn't getting pregnant because I was breast feeding. So when Mattie was 16 months, I weaned her. Month after month passed and still nothing. So when Mattie was about 20 months, I went to the doctor and asked to go on drugs (Clomid) to help things along. The doctor at the time was hesitant because he was convinced that I should have no problems getting pregnant. I basically begged him. Well, after a couple of months, Clomid wasn't working. Luckily, I was able to start seeing the fertility specialist at the women's clinic. He is very systematic in his treatment. He prescribes 3 cycles of Clomid with intercourse. Then if that doesn't work (which it didn't for us), then we move on to Clomid with IUI. IUI is inter-uterine-insemination or artificial insemination or the "turkey baster" as we like to call it. After 3 failed cycles of that, then we move on to injectible medication with IUI. With injectible medication, I inject myself with shots for 7 days straight. Then I give myself a shot that makes me ovulate. Finally, I am inseminated 2 days in a row. For perspective, about 40-60 million sperm are injected straight into my uterus. So when this didn't work, I was devastated.
To be continued...
To be continued...
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