Valerie,
Your email touched me.
One day Elijah will descend from the upper room
holding your daughter in his arms,
and will say,
"Woman, behold your daughter."
In that day, she will no longer be called Mara,
but as you say,
"Sweet Mara... for the bitterness of death,
has made your faith sweeter than the honeycomb."
Blessings,
Brian
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Mara Faith
A few weeks ago, Bob and I finally were able to sit down and decide on the name of our daughter. Mara Faith is her name.
Mara means "sad" or "bitter" in Hebrew.
Faith because our faith was tested in yet has grown out of this experience. And we have faith that God can bless us with another baby in the future.
I am happy to be able to call her by name when I think of her. I look forward to calling her by name when I meet her in heaven one day. I am sad that I will have to wait until then to meet her. But she is in the better place. One day I will meet her in paradise.
Mara means "sad" or "bitter" in Hebrew.
Faith because our faith was tested in yet has grown out of this experience. And we have faith that God can bless us with another baby in the future.
I am happy to be able to call her by name when I think of her. I look forward to calling her by name when I meet her in heaven one day. I am sad that I will have to wait until then to meet her. But she is in the better place. One day I will meet her in paradise.
Friday, December 24, 2010
A name for our little girl
Mara Faith
Mara means "sad" or "bitter" in Hebrew.
Faith because our faith has been tested through this in yet we need faith to trust God still has a plan for us that hopefully involves another baby.
Mara means "sad" or "bitter" in Hebrew.
Faith because our faith has been tested through this in yet we need faith to trust God still has a plan for us that hopefully involves another baby.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Dec. 6- Post Op with doctor
We just found out today that my baby did not have anything wrong with her and that they do not know why she died. I also found out it was a girl. I am feeling very conflicted about this news. I am frustrated that God would allow my perfectly healthy baby to die. I am sad, confused, and conflicted. It is like I have to start over and reprocess all of this. Supposedly, this is better news than if the baby did have a problem because there is a better chance of a healthy baby in the future... but there is no closure for me. Please pray for peace and healing in our hearts.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
D and E Day
Tuesday, the 16th, I had my D & E where they remove the baby. They put me under for this. I had to show up to the hospital 2 hours early- like showing up for a flight or something. I checked in. There were lots of people waiting for surgury. It was a busy day there. It was what you might envision on TV in an emergency room or something- lots of people on rolling beds lined up with curtains between each person. Fortunately for me I got a corner spot so I was out of the way of most of the foot traffic. I was issued a very nice nurse. Bob could hang out with me for a while and then he had to leave. For the most part I was in OK spirits. The chaplain came by. He prayed with me. I was thankful for that. They had some difficulty getting the IV in me (I seem to have issues with IV's). It was at that time for some reason I got sad. The reality of why I was there sank in and I was just sad I had to be there for that reason- my baby died. I didn't want to have to say goodbye for good even though she had been gone for a while. The nurse shared with me that she lost a son in the 3rd trimester (I think) and she still thinks about him almost every day. That was 30 years ago. My procedure was scheduled for around 11:00 and they were pretty much right on time. The rolled me into the OR. I got sad again. The last time I was in an OR I was having Mattie- one of the happiest moments of my life. Hearing her cries was one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. I would not be hearing anything this time. They transferred me to the operating table. The nurse started sticking some probe things on me. And then the anesthesiologist started talking to me... he said, "It's going to feel a bit cold," referring to the drugs that were going into my IV. And literally I don't remember anything after that. The next thing I knew I was in the recovery area- another big room with lots of people separated by curtains. It was really weird. I don't remember getting sleepy or anything. They give you this drug that makes you forget. I wish I could forget more. My recovery was easy. I did not even feel tired the rest of the day. I wish the emotional recovery was as easy.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
God shows up in so many ways!
All the ways God has “showed up” during this process…
• Running into Carol in the mall just before the phone call from the doctor
• Already having a babysitter lined up for dinner the day we got the news (even if it was for Bob’s birthday) so we could have a peaceful meal together and talk
• Coffee with John scheduled two weeks prior that happened to fall the day after we got the news of the potential problem with the baby.
• Time with the Beltons Thursday evening and an opportunity to talk to Steve.
• My appointment with Dr. Rosenburg Friday morning- that I insisted on being able to have the opportunity to hear the heartbeat or not.
• Being able to get into Obsetrix that same day and finding out later from Dr. Belton that the doctor we got was a Believer.
• For Carol bringing over a meal Thursday evening.
• For Christa and Sara. Christa watched Mattie all Friday morning until noon while I was at Dr. Rosenburg’s and then Sara watched Mattie from noon until 7PM that night while I was at Obstetrix and also allowing Bob and I to have some quiet at home after the appointment and to go out to a quiet dinner together.
• For Dale and Ann providing my mom with a standby ticket to come down here Saturday morning.
• For a visit from the Beltons on Saturday afternoon.
• For my mom to be able to be here for a whole week.
• Running into the doctor coming out of the elevator on our way in at Obstetrix after our pre-op appointment.
• The pharmacist probably a believer.
• The chaplain praying with me today in the hospital
• Running into Carol in the mall just before the phone call from the doctor
• Already having a babysitter lined up for dinner the day we got the news (even if it was for Bob’s birthday) so we could have a peaceful meal together and talk
• Coffee with John scheduled two weeks prior that happened to fall the day after we got the news of the potential problem with the baby.
• Time with the Beltons Thursday evening and an opportunity to talk to Steve.
• My appointment with Dr. Rosenburg Friday morning- that I insisted on being able to have the opportunity to hear the heartbeat or not.
• Being able to get into Obsetrix that same day and finding out later from Dr. Belton that the doctor we got was a Believer.
• For Carol bringing over a meal Thursday evening.
• For Christa and Sara. Christa watched Mattie all Friday morning until noon while I was at Dr. Rosenburg’s and then Sara watched Mattie from noon until 7PM that night while I was at Obstetrix and also allowing Bob and I to have some quiet at home after the appointment and to go out to a quiet dinner together.
• For Dale and Ann providing my mom with a standby ticket to come down here Saturday morning.
• For a visit from the Beltons on Saturday afternoon.
• For my mom to be able to be here for a whole week.
• Running into the doctor coming out of the elevator on our way in at Obstetrix after our pre-op appointment.
• The pharmacist probably a believer.
• The chaplain praying with me today in the hospital
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Email #2 sent out
Dear Friends,
I have lost my baby at 18 weeks pregnant. This is devastating news since most of you know we have undergone 2 years of unexplained infertility and finally got pregnant after the 5th IUI (artificial insemination.) To recap for those who are in the dark about all of this... 3 days ago I got a call from my doctor that my 2nd trimester blood screen/test came back with some indicators of chromosomal abnormalities- specifically Trisomy 18. Basically, with the levels that came back along with my age, my baby was given a 1 in 3 chance of having Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is a genetic disorder in which a person has a 3rd copy of genetic material from chromosome 18, instead of the usual 2 copies. Generally speaking, life is not compatible with this genetic defect. Most babies die in the womb and those who make it to birth usually die within the first few hours or days. Few make it past a year old. Fortunately, this is not something that Bob or I carry- it is a random and very sad thing that just happens from time to time- something completely outside of our control.
At first we were trying to be optimistic because that meant that we had a 2 in 3 chance of the baby being normal. We had an appointment scheduled for this next Monday with the high risk specialists for an in depth ultrasound and amniocentesis. However, for my own piece of mind, I made an appointment for today with my regular doctor to just go in and see if there is even a heartbeat. If there was not, then we would take a new course of action. Well, I went in this morning and indeed there was no heartbeat. I was able to get an appointment with the specialists for an amniocentesis today and an ultrasound. The ultrasound concluded that the baby has been dead for at least a week. The amniocentesis will definitively tell us about the chromosomal issues that our baby had. We will find all that out in a couple of weeks.
After I found out the initial news about the abnormality, my prayer to God was that if the baby indeed had Trisomy 18, that He would just take the baby early. I could not imagine the emotional strain of carrying and possibly even birthing a baby that was guaranteed to die right away. I am so grateful for His grace in that way. Of course, I am devastated at the loss of this little life I had painfully waited so long for. It has been an emotional roller coaster the past 3 days. I am very confused as to why God would allow this to happen. But at the same time, I can not help but cherish my husband and my healthy 3 year old even more. I am lucky to have them. I just have to trust God with my life and the life of any future children.
We are also so grateful for the outpouring of encouragement, prayers, and support from so many of you. Though we do not have family in the area, we do feel like we indeed have family here in our friends. You all are such a blessing to us. I thank God for you all! My mom is going to fly out tomorrow morning and so she will be here for a week- a wonderful support and an excellent distraction for Mattie.
Much love to you all. Again, we cherish our friendship with you all. Having your love and friendship and support will be a big part of making it through this tough time.
Love,
Val, Bob, and Mattie Brown
I have lost my baby at 18 weeks pregnant. This is devastating news since most of you know we have undergone 2 years of unexplained infertility and finally got pregnant after the 5th IUI (artificial insemination.) To recap for those who are in the dark about all of this... 3 days ago I got a call from my doctor that my 2nd trimester blood screen/test came back with some indicators of chromosomal abnormalities- specifically Trisomy 18. Basically, with the levels that came back along with my age, my baby was given a 1 in 3 chance of having Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is a genetic disorder in which a person has a 3rd copy of genetic material from chromosome 18, instead of the usual 2 copies. Generally speaking, life is not compatible with this genetic defect. Most babies die in the womb and those who make it to birth usually die within the first few hours or days. Few make it past a year old. Fortunately, this is not something that Bob or I carry- it is a random and very sad thing that just happens from time to time- something completely outside of our control.
At first we were trying to be optimistic because that meant that we had a 2 in 3 chance of the baby being normal. We had an appointment scheduled for this next Monday with the high risk specialists for an in depth ultrasound and amniocentesis. However, for my own piece of mind, I made an appointment for today with my regular doctor to just go in and see if there is even a heartbeat. If there was not, then we would take a new course of action. Well, I went in this morning and indeed there was no heartbeat. I was able to get an appointment with the specialists for an amniocentesis today and an ultrasound. The ultrasound concluded that the baby has been dead for at least a week. The amniocentesis will definitively tell us about the chromosomal issues that our baby had. We will find all that out in a couple of weeks.
After I found out the initial news about the abnormality, my prayer to God was that if the baby indeed had Trisomy 18, that He would just take the baby early. I could not imagine the emotional strain of carrying and possibly even birthing a baby that was guaranteed to die right away. I am so grateful for His grace in that way. Of course, I am devastated at the loss of this little life I had painfully waited so long for. It has been an emotional roller coaster the past 3 days. I am very confused as to why God would allow this to happen. But at the same time, I can not help but cherish my husband and my healthy 3 year old even more. I am lucky to have them. I just have to trust God with my life and the life of any future children.
We are also so grateful for the outpouring of encouragement, prayers, and support from so many of you. Though we do not have family in the area, we do feel like we indeed have family here in our friends. You all are such a blessing to us. I thank God for you all! My mom is going to fly out tomorrow morning and so she will be here for a week- a wonderful support and an excellent distraction for Mattie.
Much love to you all. Again, we cherish our friendship with you all. Having your love and friendship and support will be a big part of making it through this tough time.
Love,
Val, Bob, and Mattie Brown
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