8 1/2 weeks and pregnancy looks good

I had a doctor's appointment today. I was a bit nervous about it since the 8 week mark is a common time for women to miscarry and sometimes one doesn't know until she goes in for her ultrasound and there is no heartbeat. It has happened to several of my friends. However, thankfully, that was not the case for me! Everything was looking just fine and the baby is exactly the right size for how far along I am. I got to see the baby wiggle as well as the heartbeat. He/She has little arms and little legs and is about an inch long. Today was my last visit with Dr. Trobough. In 2 weeks I'll have my first appointment with Dr. Rosenburg, who is technically my regular OB.

As far as my health goes, I'm doing pretty well. My cysts are still there, but decreasing. I often will feel queasy for about half of the day and it often flip flops which half that is. Maybe I'll get through this pregnancy without throwing up... but I'm not counting on it. Around 2:00 every afternoon, I hit a wall and become absolutely exhausted. So I am still trying to lay down every day for an hour or so while Mattie takes a play nap. This has been going pretty well, overall.

Here's the picture of our little munchkin:

One healthy heartbeat

We went to the doctor's yesterday morning. Good news. The baby was a smidgen bigger than expected and the little heart was beating away! Bob was relieved that there was only 1 heartbeat. :) Seeing the heartbeat was a relief to me- but I still will not feel totally confident about things for another 3-4 weeks after I have passed the 10 week mark. I have another appointment in 2 weeks on September 7th.

Here is a picture of our little one. The dark spot in the middle is the sack. The dotted line covers the small image of the baby. The 2 dark spots on either side are both cysts that I have that still need to go down. Over time they will. My activity is limited until then- you don't want them to twist or burst. For perspective, my cysts are about an inch in diameter. I guess that must be about how big my sack is right now.

Tomorrow's a big day!

Tomorrow at 8:45AM I have the ultrasound we've been waiting for. Tomorrow's the big day to find out if we see a little heartbeat- or even 2 little heartbeats. By doing injectible medication, I have a 20% chance of having twins. I honestly don't care! I just want a healthy little one or ones! :)

The moment we've been waiting for!

The Background Story:
It was quite the busy and hectic month, not the ideal circumstances for trying to make a baby. Plus, it seemed that little things kept going awry. First, I started my period on a Friday. So I couldn't bee seen by a doctor until Monday, day 4 of my cycle. I'm supposed to start my injectible medication on day 3 or 4. Then there was a panic that I might have to pay for the $1,000 medication (yep, $1000!) out of pocket. But after 30 minutes of stressful phone calls to my insurance company (after being disconnected once and talking to various wrong people) I was assured that if I paid for the drug upfront, then they would reimburse me. I decided to believe them and go for it. (They ultimately did reimburse me. This helped boost my shaky confidence in insurance companies.) So I inject the drug into my thigh and/or stomach every day for 7 days. Then I get an ultrasound and the doctor assesses whether to do IUI the next day or wait one more day. I was needing to wait one more day. Well, the tricky part in all this is that I was in the middle of teaching a Study and Organizational skills class to Jr. High students at King's Academy all that week. Fortunately, I had only agreed to teach the class if I could co-teach it with someone else. So the guy in charge of finding teachers to teach the class ended up splitting the time with me. Bless his heart, he was super flexible about my doctor's appointments and filled in whenever needed. The deal was, however, that I was in charge of doing all the planning. I was pretty stressed and working my tail off that week. Again, not ideal circumstances for baby making. The day before my IUI, I give myself one more shot at 4:30 in the afternoon it make me ovulate. Well, I forgot about it and didn't take the shot until 7:30 that night- 3 hours late. I was thinking to myself, "This month was a waste of time and money!" On Wednesday and Thursday of that week I had my IUI. I made it through week, but I was pretty wiped out. However, I couldn't stop to rest because the next day, Saturday, we flew out early in the morning for a trip to Oregon for my cousin's wedding reception and a visit to the coast to see Bob's sister's family. While on our trip, Mattie was a horrible sleeper and we were pretty tired. However, I must say, the time at the coast was really nice and relaxing. There's not much to do, it is quiet, and it's very casual. Just what I needed.

Now fast forward 2 weeks. As one might understand, I did not have much confidence in this month working out. So I woke up at 4:00am Tuesday, August 3rd, and I prayed for God to have mercy on me. I have done this before and have not been pregnant, so it was a reluctant cry out. However, this time, I was also asking God to spare me from the IVF decision that was looming over my head. I knew if this month didn't work, I would start pursuing that route. I felt very conflicted about it. I believe that every fertilized egg is a baby at conception. And with IVF it is often a numbers game and you run the risk of having multiple fertilized eggs "left over" after going through it. For me, that would mean that I would need to be willing to have as many children as I had fertilized eggs. I would not allow them to be "dumped" and I didn't want to give them up for adoption to someone else to use. Anyway, those were all my internal conflicts going on. Side note: I am not completely against IVF because I have several friend whom if it weren't for IVF, they would not have children today. But it is definitely a serious and personal choice! I'm just against the "dumping" of fertilized eggs. So all that to say, I pleaded that God spare me from having to make the IVF decision. Well, as I was lying in bed praying, I literally started to feel my period coming on. I started to feel a little crampy. And sure enough, when I got up that morning to use the bathroom, I had some minimal spotting. "There it is," I thought. I was bummed. Why did God not answer my prayer again?

That day, I had scheduled to go visit my friend who was pregnant with twins via IVF. I figured this was good timing so I could ask her specific questions about her experience and learn more about it. It was very encouraging and informative. So that afternoon I decided to do a little research and pick two possible fertility clinics that do IVF and set up consultation appointments. Fortunately, our insurance covered it 90% with a $15,000 lifetime maximum (which would cover about 1 round of IVF.) When Bob got home from work that night, I spent some time talking to him about it. After Mattie went to bed, we worked out a game plan of what needed to be done. I also had Bob watch an IVF video online with me. As we were chatting further, I casually mentioned that my "period" had not really progressed and in fact it had died off a bit. He proceeded to ask me if it could be implantation spotting. When the baby attaches to the uterus, sometimes a woman can have spotting from that. I told him it probably wasn't but that it could be. He asked if I had any pregnancy tests. I did not. So he volunteered to run to Target and buy one. I

To be continued...

The Spiritual Journey

I do not understand God's Ways at times. All I know is that "waiting" has been a bit of a reoccurring theme in my life. The waiting I have had to sometimes endure, however, has always ended well. Waiting to get married, for example. It was a difficult road to endure singleness for so long when my heart longed and ached to be married. However, I can see the character building God did along the way to make me ready for my hubby, Bob. I don't know how much stuff in the World God is controlling Himself- there are circumstances in the World that God allows but I know He did not cause. All I know is that he can take ALL things and use them for good and for His purposes (Rom 8:28)

I do know that God certainly needed to work on me and my character during this time of waiting and infertility. I had drifted from Him. I was so focused on Mattie and our new house and on life in general. That in itself is not bad- but God wanted to be a part of it and I was not asking Him to join me in it. I needed to start reading the Word again. I needed to feel His presence again. I was a zombie and just going through the motions because technically, I was doing just fine without including God. I didn't really "need" Him. I was living my "dream"... mostly. My plan included more than one child. My plan included having kids that were about 2 years apart- no more than 2 1/2 years apart. Though we started the process early, after a year, it was becoming obvious that things weren't going to be going according to MY plan. I was not too upset about this at first... I'd be getting pregnant any month now. But then month after month after month passed... no pregnancy. I started getting discouraged and frustrated. I was doing everything possible to make things happen! The doctors told me there was no apparent reason why I was not getting pregnant. Why was God allowing every other woman around me to get pregnant but not me (and there were seriously a lot of my friends getting pregnant!)? What was God trying to teach me? I started to feel that God had it out for me- though I knew that ultimately was not true- but it felt that way! I battled jealousy for all these women around me that seemed to be able to get pregnant by sneezing. I didn't like how I felt inside. That is when I started looking within. It was time to let go of CONTROL. Oh that blasted word, CONTROL! What a curse it is on most females. Most of us crave it, strive for it, manipulate to get it. I know I desire control. I want to plan things out and I want them to go according to MY plan. It was becoming obvious that I was not in control of this.

Then I just got sad. I felt exactly the same as when I was single and feeling like there was no man in sight. I had this deep and strong desire in my heart- a desire that was good. But it just wasn't happening. I had to let go of my dream. I remember the night I let go of my dream of marriage. I had to grieve it and then lay it at the feet of God as an offering. This didn't mean I didn't still hope for marriage- no! But I had to let go of the control of that dream. Ultimately, I was in the hands of God. I had to choose GOD over that dream. I had to also now choose God over my dream of multiple children. I had to accept that Mattie could be my only child. Being an only child for 10 years and really wanting a sibling (before my brother was born- yay!), I told myself that I never wanted to only have just one. But I had to be ready for that reality. And I had to accept that reality in the face of no explanation for it except that it was God's Will for me. There didn't seem to be any medical reason for it.

When things get "good" and "easy" in life, I tend to drift from God. It's the trials that bring me to my knees.

Romans 5:1-5 says it perfectly:
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Amen.

The long road...

We have endured 2 long years of unexplained infertility. It has been a frustrating process to say the least. I got pregnant so easily the first time and miscarried. Then I got pregnant the first month trying after the miscarriage with our sweet Mattie. After Mattie was born, we waited until she was 8 months to start trying again. We assumed it wouldn't take long... boy were we wrong! After 8 months of no luck, I thought maybe I wasn't getting pregnant because I was breast feeding. So when Mattie was 16 months, I weaned her. Month after month passed and still nothing. So when Mattie was about 20 months, I went to the doctor and asked to go on drugs (Clomid) to help things along. The doctor at the time was hesitant because he was convinced that I should have no problems getting pregnant. I basically begged him. Well, after a couple of months, Clomid wasn't working. Luckily, I was able to start seeing the fertility specialist at the women's clinic. He is very systematic in his treatment. He prescribes 3 cycles of Clomid with intercourse. Then if that doesn't work (which it didn't for us), then we move on to Clomid with IUI. IUI is inter-uterine-insemination or artificial insemination or the "turkey baster" as we like to call it. After 3 failed cycles of that, then we move on to injectible medication with IUI. With injectible medication, I inject myself with shots for 7 days straight. Then I give myself a shot that makes me ovulate. Finally, I am inseminated 2 days in a row. For perspective, about 40-60 million sperm are injected straight into my uterus. So when this didn't work, I was devastated.

To be continued...