I do not understand God's Ways at times. All I know is that "waiting" has been a bit of a reoccurring theme in my life. The waiting I have had to sometimes endure, however, has always ended well. Waiting to get married, for example. It was a difficult road to endure singleness for so long when my heart longed and ached to be married. However, I can see the character building God did along the way to make me ready for my hubby, Bob. I don't know how much stuff in the World God is controlling Himself- there are circumstances in the World that God allows but I know He did not cause. All I know is that he can take ALL things and use them for good and for His purposes (Rom 8:28)
I do know that God certainly needed to work on me and my character during this time of waiting and infertility. I had drifted from Him. I was so focused on Mattie and our new house and on life in general. That in itself is not bad- but God wanted to be a part of it and I was not asking Him to join me in it. I needed to start reading the Word again. I needed to feel His presence again. I was a zombie and just going through the motions because technically, I was doing just fine without including God. I didn't really "need" Him. I was living my "dream"... mostly. My plan included more than one child. My plan included having kids that were about 2 years apart- no more than 2 1/2 years apart. Though we started the process early, after a year, it was becoming obvious that things weren't going to be going according to MY plan. I was not too upset about this at first... I'd be getting pregnant any month now. But then month after month after month passed... no pregnancy. I started getting discouraged and frustrated. I was doing everything possible to make things happen! The doctors told me there was no apparent reason why I was not getting pregnant. Why was God allowing every other woman around me to get pregnant but not me (and there were seriously a lot of my friends getting pregnant!)? What was God trying to teach me? I started to feel that God had it out for me- though I knew that ultimately was not true- but it felt that way! I battled jealousy for all these women around me that seemed to be able to get pregnant by sneezing. I didn't like how I felt inside. That is when I started looking within. It was time to let go of CONTROL. Oh that blasted word, CONTROL! What a curse it is on most females. Most of us crave it, strive for it, manipulate to get it. I know I desire control. I want to plan things out and I want them to go according to MY plan. It was becoming obvious that I was not in control of this.
Then I just got sad. I felt exactly the same as when I was single and feeling like there was no man in sight. I had this deep and strong desire in my heart- a desire that was good. But it just wasn't happening. I had to let go of my dream. I remember the night I let go of my dream of marriage. I had to grieve it and then lay it at the feet of God as an offering. This didn't mean I didn't still hope for marriage- no! But I had to let go of the control of that dream. Ultimately, I was in the hands of God. I had to choose GOD over that dream. I had to also now choose God over my dream of multiple children. I had to accept that Mattie could be my only child. Being an only child for 10 years and really wanting a sibling (before my brother was born- yay!), I told myself that I never wanted to only have just one. But I had to be ready for that reality. And I had to accept that reality in the face of no explanation for it except that it was God's Will for me. There didn't seem to be any medical reason for it.
When things get "good" and "easy" in life, I tend to drift from God. It's the trials that bring me to my knees.
Romans 5:1-5 says it perfectly:
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Amen.
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